The inner beauty overweighs the outer ugliness
Strong. Not fat.
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Justa few pounds less. Then I would be much happier.
I don't know how I came up with it as a child and adolescent With a few pounds less everything would feel much better.
Our ancestors will not have thought so while chasing a mammoth. From an evolutionary point of view, this thought really doesn't make sense.
But I felt like that for years. While Patrick had to struggle with his 150 kilograms and its consequences at times, I felt pretty uncomfortable with about half the weight.
If today I go back to my earlier strong, not thick I look back, I remember thatFeeling unwell, the meanness of school days And what I did in the hope that maybe the others just couldn't see it.
Maybe you will recognize yourself in my story -regardless of whether you weigh or have weighed 3, 10 or 50 kilograms too much.
Mädchenkullerbauch and "That is still stretching"
At birth I weighed 4,150 grams. Quite a chunk - that's what my mother still says today. As far as later life is concerned, birth weight is not necessarily indicativestrong, not conclusive. But I was a pretty good kid.
When I got to school I had one round face and one Girl's bellies, just like girls have. It stayed and I often heard my grandmother say: "It's still stretching" while she gave me an ice cream.
I had that My father's thigh (Birth weight over 5,000 grams) inherited, which he has always been proud of. I couldn't appreciate her like that before.
The destructive thoughts started in elementary school when it was fashionable to sign oneself in friendship albums.
Who actually invented the question of weight in friendship ointments? What for? What does that matter?
When there were profiles in the fifth grade in German class, my first concern was the question of weight. What should I enter there? Just let go?
I knew that I was already approx. Weighed 10 kilos more than the slimmest classmates. I dropped it under the table and hoped that no one would be surprised at my confidently written "35".
School trip and karate suits - yay ...
Summer camp? School trip? I felt uncomfortable after an outdoor pool or swimming lesson. They all felt slimmer and prettier than me. I never wore a bikini, but the sporty swimsuit with stretching stripes on the side. The fact that I swam relatively fast didn't comfort me.
I was the one who did this strong, not thick, Horse on holiday riding got. The only white horse that of course I hadn't wanted.
In photos I tried to pull in my stomach and to let the top fall again cheaply. As if that made a difference!
I see this phenomenon more often when I look at old photos. How I tried thento put on figure-hugging thingsto wear soft falling fabrics and stretching patterns!
At the end of the day you saw at first glance anyway (or today from a distance) that I was vigorous was. Not fat.
With a white karate suit with a colored belt, there is nothing to hide. The sight was merciless and regularly made me feel ashamed.
"How much do you actually weigh?"
Children are cruel. Some girls either thought it was funny or thought nothing of asking me outright how much I weigh. Friends too.
Of course I never told the truth, but always dropped about 10 to 15 kilos under the table. Or said nothing at all. But that only sparked more curiosity and backfired.
Now I can say yes.
In my "top times" I weighed around 74 kilos, which is a good 10 kilos more than now. At a height of about 1.71 m, that's not the world, but I was earlier vigorousbuilt.
Strong. Not fat.
Despite this well-intentioned formulation, it still hurts when someone calls me vigorous designated. It is already clear that thick is meant. Not fat, but not slim either.
It may sound strange, but I regularly negotiated with my mother on the edge of bed in the evenings to see if she would swap thighs with me. She would have done it. Unfortunately it didn't work.
My mother always stood by me unreservedly. That was a great consolation. With a lot of patience she advised me about figure-flattering cuts and colors.
On holiday she compared me to much slimmer girlswhen I asked her roughly what I look like. She comforted me when I envied the well-trained entertainers for their bodies.
You calmed me down when I did Panic about weighing at the ski rental (adjust binding!) would have.
I'm not sure how I endured being weighed for karate competitions. After all, I had to be assigned to the correct weight class. I think my coaches only estimated and no one checked. After all, it wasn't professional boxing!
The 90s: belly free provocation
Of course, I was a Britney Spears fan from the start. Of course I also wanted to wear something with a cropped waist. After a look in the mirror, I left it.
After frustrating shopping trips, my mother did regular building work. Psychological first aid.
She also recommended a cooling cream for my crimson face in physical education class, which I never tried.
And how I hated the magazine covers, billboards and commercials! I found it completely unrealistic which bodies were advertised there as normal or worth striving for. Of course I wanted to look like that too, but it seemed like a completely utopian goal to me. In my eyes it was a demonstration of what doesn't work. A provocation.
Wampe and thigh kebab
At some point, the girls wearing crop tops at school held back elegantly - after all. Although I still had to hear from my best friend in seventh / eighth grade that I did "A very nice belly" would have. But I should still wear “tight clothes”.
Overall, I still had very good cards, even if it didn't feel like it at times: School was always very easy for me, I was committed, had friends and a friend in good time. I've never been single for long.
Still, that didn't stop the guys in my class from annoying me. Mostly I ignored the sayings like: "Can you make kebab from your thighs?" Sometimes I said something back. But I wasn't particularly spontaneous at the time.
Only with increasing age did the proverbs stop. Maybe they got bored because I wasn't reacting enough.
After all, there were better victims.
A girlfriend at the time wasn't just there too strong, not fat, but also struggled with the grades. When I defended her, the guys seemed to have a little more respect for me and largely left us both alone.
During my school days there were also phases in which I found myself quite good. In case of doubt, that was due to my friend, who gave me self-confidence.
The maximum penalty? Sports student parties!
I later met a sports student. It may be a cliché, but in most cases it doesn't work out well for the female!
In any case, those two and a half years robbed me of a lot of self-confidence.
Which girl wants to have a bigger belly than her boyfriend? Be less athletic? Attention, maximum penalty: being less attractive at parties than all the other pretty sports students?
Inspired by the knowledge I learned about exercise and nutrition, I actually lost weight in the last few years before graduating from high school. Between high school and university in particular, I had plenty of time to go jogging and do strength exercises.
Did that make me more confident? Maybe at first sight, but behind the facade: no.
During my studies I still had a lot of time and did a lot of sport. In fact, I was pretty fit. Still, I never felt like I looked really good now.
Las chicas mexicanas
My I spent a semester abroad at the end of 2008 in Mexico. I don't know if you've ever seen a Mexican woman, but they're pretty short and slim.
Mexico is also a heavyweight country owed to fast food. The elite at the private university where I was, however, have a personal trainer and can afford healthy food. On average, they were a head shorter and 20 kilos lighter than me.
You can imagine that that didn't exactly increase my self-esteem.
When I see photos from back then today, I find myself pretty slim. But it didn't feel like that.
How the perception shifts!
After graduation, I worked for Patrick's agency at the time for two years, went to the gym, felt okay, but still had to struggle with binge eating at times.
In my master’s degree I cycled a lot, which is why I dropped a few pounds.
On the contrary - and I'm not saying that to get sympathy. I'm writing this for all of those who think that with a few pounds less everything will be fine.
I weighed in late 2012 a few pounds less. I was slim from my bike commuting to college and a regular running group.
Still, I felt bad mentally. It was due to the commuting, the living situation and a new job that demanded every grain of my strength.
I was heading straight for a burnout.
I will write about this in detail another time, but only this much: my weight did not change anything. Why also ?! Anyone who slips into a depressive episode can no longer appreciate anything, is exhausted and withdraws. Exercise helped me, but couldn't stop anything.
I didn't stand on the scales at the time. I was too busy with my worries, fears, frustration and exhaustion.
I gave myself the rest by accelerating my master’s degree in order to start my new (now permanent) job at the university. I was getting worse and worse.
After half a year I pulled the cord or my family doctor. I started therapy and first learned to listen to me and my body again.
I also told my therapist about my lack of self-esteem and my doubts about my body. All she said was: “Almost all women have that. I don't think that's superficial at the moment. We shouldn't mess around with it, but first help you gain strength. Then it will work itself out. "
At first this attitude hurt me. After all, I had nibbled on it for years. But of course that was not the reason for my sick leave.
Build up head
My homework after the weekly meetings included reporting to friends, Doing things that I used to enjoy and not pressurize me. That actually helped, although of course permanent doubts tormented me.
Fortunately, my family and boyfriend have been very patient with me. The regular meetings with Patrick also helped me to draw inspiration, strength and self-confidence.
My therapist recommended that I do something with my hands to stop the carousel of thoughts.So I started cooking again on a regular basis.
She also advised me to do sports as it has been proven to help against depression. I jogged a lot, but too much, as I mentioned elsewhere.
The combination of the revitalized social life, reading inspiring books and living a healthy lifestyle made me feel better after a few months.
The idea for Healthy Habits was born.
By chance I got into boot camp training a few months later. It's the most intense, but also the most effective training I've ever done. I took again a few pounds from. Now I am at what feels like my ideal weight.
Hen or egg?
In any case, I have never cared more how much I weigh.
Isn't that a paradox? I dreamed of my current weight for 15 years and now I think that weighing is counterproductive. I don't weigh myself more than once in six to eight weeks.
Maybe I don't care about the display on the scales because I feel good. Or do I feel good because I am satisfied with the ad?
I now believe that satisfaction leads to a slim body and not the other way around.
Now that I have a fulfilling job, maintain my social contacts and do a sport that I enjoy, I feel physically better than ever.
It makes everything so much easier. Finally no longer pulling in your stomach or having scruples about a beach photo.
So now you know my story. I think I still am strong, not fat. My physique is not as delicate and narrow as that of my classmates at the time.
Sometimes I still console myself with that I at least lift a beer crate, open a jam jar and tackle it properly when moving can.
If you like, tell me your story. Just write a comment. I would be happy and look forward to your experiences.
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