Why don't you like Valentine's Day

Interview - No roses for Valentine's Day, but good sex for both of them - a sexologist about love at eye level

No roses for Valentine's Day, but good sex for both of them - a sexologist about love at eye level

Roses from him and nice lingerie on her, that doesn't have to be on Valentine's Day. The Hamburg psychologist and sexologist Ann-Marlene Henning on sex at eye level and why it is still difficult.

He is the seducer, she the seduced. Valentine's Day is a day full of outdated role models. Should he be boycotted?

Ann-Marlene Henning: I could also give my husband laundry for Valentine's Day, but I don't like this consumerism. The other side of the coin: people completely forget to perceive each other, to give each other presents. Be it with compliments or a flower or something. That's what Valentine's Day is good for. The idea that was originally behind the tag is brilliant: tell someone that you like or even love them.

How can couples celebrate this day in a modern way?

It's not about the best hotel or the best food. It's about really feeling yourself on this day and not sitting next to each other in silence. That they say I'm glad I'm with you I want to keep being with you and I want us to develop as a couple. So let's do something nice that makes us both happy. Some couples want to get closer physically.

Many couples have just forgotten how to talk over the years.

When one is in love, the other is always spot on. Then when you love, you begin to see the other for who they are, with all their differences. With this otherness, with every criticism, you run the risk of being rejected, laughed at or even abandoned. And then stand there alone. The human animal of attachment would rather remain in an unhappy relationship than take risks here.

An equal Valentine's Day is possible. What about gender equality?

There is hardly any, but rather genital injustice. We live in a patriarchy. Right at the top of the ladder is the white man, below are everyone else. As long as people are not worth the same, for example women get less money for the same work, they are also disadvantaged in terms of sexuality.

Many women today are strong and self-confident enough to say what they like and what they don't.

On the surface, yes. Studies show, however, that women who believe that they are emancipated still live their sexuality more according to what their partner wants. An important factor here: the genital self-image. Unfortunately, many women have a negative. They think their genitals are dirty and gross. This also leads to risky sexual behavior: That means, for example, sex without a condom, because he wants it that way. She does things that she really didn't want. The consequences are sometimes sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies.

What does it take to change that?

Much more knowledge. Several female professors, all in their mid-30s, are currently working on genital justice and are writing books about it. That didn't exist before. When women now make their way into this industry, these topics will finally come up on the table. A positive genital understanding starts very early. For example, parents should give little girls a nice name for their genitals.

"Unfortunately, many women still think their genitals are disgusting."

Based on the pay gap, the English term for wage inequality between women and men, the term orgasm gap has established itself. Right?

Yes, there are significantly more women than men who do not come. Any woman can do it. But if you hear as a child that you are a slut just because you touch yourself, you will later be ashamed of your lust. And does not dare to really explore his body. Logically, this makes it harder to learn to orgasm. You can only do that through enjoyable practice with yourself.

What do your experiences as a therapist show: What do women really want?

Some actually want to be petted and looked at romantically, as the cliché goes. Others want a quickie. They just want to have an orgasm. Still others want the man to be satisfied. And, and, and ... It just doesn't exist: the woman!

Having sex only for men: for feminists, that's probably the last thing.

How important do I take myself when I say: This is out of date! Everyone has to decide for themselves. If I can no longer find myself good as a woman with curves and femininity, if I am getting tougher and tougher in order to be equal, then that is the wrong way for me.

Equal couples are less interested in each other, according to studies. Do you notice that too?

If a man takes it for granted to take over half the household and is comfortable with it, it doesn't hurt his lust a bit. If, on the other hand, he only participates because she forces him to, it becomes unsexy for both of them.

Do you tend to take the version that couples have more sex on an equal footing?

Yes, you experience true intimacy. They have sex when they're in the mood for each other's magic. Equal couples show themselves as they are and do not hide behind the other's supposed wishes. And when someone shows up, the other can see him. This has a positive effect on pleasure.

There are women who still prefer to see their husbands in their sweaty tank tops after fitness training. Are the instincts only gradually arriving in the modern age?

I also like to see and feel pure masculinity myself. But my husband's bum, his arms, I can admire all of that when he's vacuuming.

"If he likes to help around the house, it doesn't hurt the mood a bit."

What advice do you give equals and other couples?

Turning off the screens turns lust back on. With an umbrella in front of your nose you have no contact with the other. Many couples who come to my therapy with problems have never thought about this connection. It turns out that they go to bed with the screen instead of their partner.

Play, talk and more

The Hamburg sexologist Ann-Marlene Henning not only wants to help couples to have better sex with her books, but also with the game "Yes, yes, yes", which has just come onto the market: Nude illustrations adorn the cards, which invite the participants to to ask questions. In the first round about relationships in general, in the second round about eroticism. In the third round, the couple draws action cards and touches them. Henning: "The coincidence and the mood do the rest." (dbu) Doch-noch.de

Do you know your way around the world of flowers? Test your knowledge in our Valentine's Day quiz

You can't go wrong with her on Valentine's Day: the red rose, the classic.

How is the rose called colloquially?

It is better not to give this flower away for Valentine's Day - it stands for death and mourning and is associated with the Catholic festival of All Saints' Day.

Which flower do you mean?

Which flower can be seen in the picture?

If you want to put together a bouquet of flowers yourself, you can pick flowers from the field in many places in Eastern Switzerland.

Where is the flower field in Sulgen?

Click where you want on the card to enter your answer.

Flowers are also often used in poems and song lyrics. "It should rain red roses for me", Hildegard Knef once sang.

What year was the single released?

On what day of the wedding is the rose wedding celebrated?

Flowers are not only given away a million times for Valentine's Day.

How many roses were sold with the Max Havelaar label in 2017?

Which of these flowers doesn't bloom in spring?

They were given cut flowers and put them in a vase. After a few days, their heads hang.

What could help

add a tablespoon of sugar to the water in the vase
put the flowers in the fresh air
Place the cut flowers in 50 to 60 degrees hot water for a few minutes and then in lukewarm water

Chefs like to decorate their salads or desserts with edible flowers. But be careful, not all flowers are edible.

Which flowers are poisonous and must not be consumed?

In which eastern Swiss municipality is the flower exchange located?

What does the phrase "say something through the flower" mean?

deliver unpleasant news with flowers
Only hint at something, address it carefully, concealing it

In 1981, who sang "Thank you so much for the flowers?"

Done. Thanks for playing.