What you called a true love
Is it true love (These 11 characteristics will tell you)
"True love is when you can no longer live without the other."
It feels like 99% of our society see it like this.
I say: Bullshit!
This is not love, this is addiction.
True love is something completely different.
Because this misconception is responsible for almost all of our suffering in matters of love, let's take a look at:
- What the terrifying difference between love and emotional addiction is.
- Why you get love so wrong
- What true love really means.
- And what 11 surprising traits you can use to recognize true love (No. 9 is very uncomfortable).
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Table of Contents
What true love is not
As I said, most people have a completely wrong understanding of love. They think love is ...
- when they can no longer or do not want to live without the other
- if they would sacrifice themselves for the other
- when you don't leave someone's side and prefer to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with them.
And as we have already established, this is not love, it is pure addiction. Emotional dependence.
But what is the difference and then why do so many people misunderstand love?
The staggering difference between love and emotional addiction
Emotional dependency always exists when you are someone or something need.
You need this person because ...
- he fills your inner emptiness
- you can't or don't want to be alone with yourself
- it makes you feel better, cope better with your everyday life or look better with your friends.
He gives you something that you cannot give yourself.
You can already see it. None of these are really noble reasons and therefore emotional dependence has absolutely nothing to do with love.
Why emotional addiction is pure selfishness
We have already discussed in detail why this is so on the subject of “fighting for love”:
Therefore, the term love, as we use it in everyday life, is actually totally out of place. We may say we love something or someone, but in truth we only love ourselves:
- I love this restaurant.
- I love this book.
- I love you.
None of these are expressions of true love. Our ego uses tricks to pretend that something other than itself is important to it. In truth, however, it expresses exactly that:
Why do you say you love this book, this restaurant or this person?
Because you are really only concerned with you and you want to express that this restaurant, this book or this person makes you feel better. Maybe even to stand out and define yourself by your good taste or your education. Or so that another person reciprocates this love.
In the end, it's all about you.
Yes I know. You have to digest that first.
But where does this totally wrong understanding of love come from?
Why We Get Love Wrong (3 Reasons)
In short: from the media.
And by that I don't just mean our modern media, but also the earliest stories and sagas with romantic content.
Because that is exactly the core of the whole misunderstanding:
Romanticism - the origin of the misunderstanding "love"
Romance exists for exactly one reason:
To create heartbreak and emotionally wrap a reader / listener / viewer in a story.
Do you get it? It is a tool to help you bond emotionally. And that is exactly what happens when we apply these romantic ideas to our real relationships: emotional dependence.
Not so long ago, romance had absolutely nothing to do with relationships. For example, marriage was still a purely economic or political community of convenience around the 18th century. It was even the rule for passionate affairs to be conducted out of wedlock.
That all changed with the “romanticization” of society, as I now simply call it. Precisely because stories have led us to believe for so long that real love is this emotional dependence, we have adopted this ideal.
But that does not mean that this romantic idea, nor the 90-60-90 figure, is the optimum that is worth striving for and that makes us really happy. In fact, it actually means the opposite, because we do not want these things of our own accord or of our own conviction, but for reasons that are not our own. Because society shows us. Because we fall under the illusion that when we have these things, we can finally be happy. And that is exactly the recipe for being unhappy!
So that's why we believe in this romantic fairy tale. And that's why we suffer so much from these unrealizable expectations and ultimately from lovesickness. Today we are faced with it even more than ever before.
The Twilight Phenomenon - How the Misunderstanding Is Fueled
Precisely because it works so well as an emotional binder, romance is the glue for almost every type of series / movie / novel or animal documentary.
To name just a few prime examples. That's why I like to call it the “Twilight” phenomenon, by the way, because it really takes this series of films to extremes.
And that's why we suffer, because in real life these exaggerated expectations are simply hard to meet.
Yes, I know I'm unromantic ...
The icing on the cake are these “love is” sayings that are now being printed on all sorts of things:
- Love is ... the feeling of being needed by someone who feels the same way.
- Love is ... when reality is more beautiful than any dream.
- Love is ... never wanting to be without the other.
- Love is ... when you make each other complete.
Precisely the people who confuse love with emotional dependency carry their misunderstanding out into the world with kettledrums and trumpets. And of course it sells well because it's so beautifully romantic ...
Forgive me if I seem a little harsh. Above all, I think of myself and speak to my old self because I used to be very receptive to this idea of love.
And as if all of that wasn't enough, our own body also comes into play and also contributes to the misunderstanding of "love":
Infatuation - How we create misconceptions for ourselves
Being in love is like a drug high ...
And I don't just mean that in a positive sense.
When we are in love, our body pours out a cocktail of hormones that greatly influences our perception. We see everything through the famous “rose-colored glasses”.
It has to be like this. With this “program”, nature offers us the chance to get closer to people without constantly checking critically what we might not like about them. If we did that, we would pretty quickly find a reason in every potential partner to look elsewhere.
We have butterflies in our stomach and would like to spend every second of the day with the other because we are so great with them.
Yes exactly. He makes you feel better ...
That's why we think love should be like this. If I love someone, then I should want to spend every second with them, have butterflies in my stomach and always long for them.
That is a big mistake!
Being in love inevitably ends at some point and makes way for a new, deeper phase of the relationship.
But if you confuse love with this romantic being in love, you think at this point at the latest that this cannot be true love. Finally, suddenly you don't feel it the way you did before. And then you look for your neighbor. And then the next one again, etc.
Ok, so now we know what love is not and why we have this wrong understanding of it. But what does love really mean?
11 surprising traits of true love
Because I don't believe in just criticizing things without making constructive suggestions, let's just look at the whole thing in the popular "love is ..." format.
So what is true love
1) True love is ... unconditional
And by that I mean really unconditional.
Even the thought of only loving someone when they also love you is already a condition and therefore never true love!
We'd better let that sink in for a moment.
I know that it sounds rigorous and that some of them probably have to question their understanding of love first or simply wall up because they don't want to give it up and have already invested so much in this illusion. If you haven't clicked away for a long time. But when you are really honest with yourself you realize that it is true:
Once you make a condition for love, it is no longer unconditional love. Then it's a simple swap, an agreement:
- I'll give you my sandwich if you give me your candy bar.
- I'll give you 10 euros if you give me this vase.
- I will give you my love when you give me yours.
2) True love is ... not a convention
Love, as you have understood it so far, is nothing more than a convention.
It is a norm of behavior:
"This is how I behave towards you when you behave this way towards me."
It's an artificially created trading system, a currency, just like money:
- We give love because we want to get it back.
- We'll keep them if we're afraid we won't get anything back.
- We invest them in a future-proof relationship.
- Sometimes we even feel that we owe someone love, or that someone owes it to us.
True love is the exact opposite:
- When I give them away without wanting to get anything back.
- When I feel good just because I can give my love to the other person.
- Without condition, without expectation, with no intention for the future.
- When I just overflow with it and want to share it with someone.
Can you tell the difference The freedom? Wanting to love of one's own free will instead of needing, demanding and acting with it?
True love is not a barter:
A saying goes:
Of course it is different to accept this love.
3) True love is ... letting go
True love does not lock others up or try to bind them to you. She lets go of them out of love for them. So that they can realize themselves and remain the person you love.
It's like a butterfly sitting on your hand: if you try to control it - hold it - one of two things happens:
- You scare the butterfly with the movement of your hand and it leaves you immediately.
- You're holding him so tight that you injure him, break his wings, and he can never fly again.
So the only right thing is not to want to control the butterfly at all, but simply to be grateful that it is there and to let it come and go in love as it wants.
Even when it says that you let the person you love be with someone else.
This is probably one of the hardest points to understand, but actually it's quite logical:
When someone is suffering in a relationship and cannot realize themselves, be themselves or be happy, letting go of the partner out of love is the only correct solution. Any other alternative leads to suffering:
- Option a) You continue to hold on to the person without consideration and let them continue to suffer “for your sake”. He becomes more and more unhappy, which of course also affects the relationship and you and possibly even third parties (e.g. children) and in the end makes everyone unhappy.
- Option b) The other simply realizes himself, regardless of you, and makes you suffer with it. This makes you more and more unhappy, which in the end also affects the relationship and makes everyone unhappy.
Yes, it is ugly, but as a rule, simply letting go of love is the only right solution.
And no, that is not a “separation despite love”, but a separation out of love.
4) True love is ... not jealous
Oh yes, I can already hear the protest:
"But a certain amount of jealousy is proof of love!"
No. Absolutely not.
People who wish their partner should be jealous usually have very low self-esteem (see the next point).
You then need the partner's jealousy to make yourself feel loved and courted.
If you truly truly love another, you don't have to be jealous. Not even if he's going out and having fun with someone who's even into him. Because you don't need to get something back (love is unconditional) and because you grant him his freedom and happiness (love lets you go).
True love has nothing to do with fear. It's the exact opposite of fear:
It is always a fear of loss. Your ego is afraid ...
- to lose the feeling of being loved
- to lose the future together
- to lose the esteem it gets from that person
Just as light drives away darkness, true love drives away fear. The two are mutually exclusive.
True love means to trust. Not only to trust the partner, but also to trust life itself that it will be good as it comes.
5) True love is ... a bonus
Yes, that sounds very shocking too.
Isn't love at the heart of it all? Isn't it all about love always and everywhere and isn't love the most important thing in life?
Yes, generally yes, but first and foremost the love for yourself. Sounds selfish, but is the exact opposite of it:
Because otherwise you're just trying to fill your shortcomings with them and make you feel better, which in turn are conditions and not true love.
That's why true love - as strange as it sounds - should only ever be a bonus. Something that comes on top of your self-love and of course that of your partner.
Only then can you really give each other love. Not because you need it, but because you want to give it. Do you notice how suddenly a completely different basis emerges?
Therefore, self-love or “healthy egoism” is always the alpha and omega and the idea of romantic devotion and martyrdom for the other is complete nonsense!
6) True love is ... only within you
Love is a quality that resides only in yourself.
Those who look for love in the outside search in vain. She doesn't depend on anything other than yourself.
Most people understand love as an independent “third” thing that arises, for example, in a relationship between two people and is then also dependent on these two people and their actions. A wobbly structure that has to be carefully juggled, cared for or kept alive by two people.
Exactly that is not the case.
Yes, it can arise and disappear again, but not because someone else is doing or not doing something. It arises and passes out of itself and nobody can influence this process. Not even yourself.
Either it is there in relation to another person or it is not.
The only thing you can do is embrace this feeling.
It is like love for a child: his parents love him without the child doing anything for it or behaving in a certain way. Unconditional and independent. At least that's how it should be.
Your love depends solely on you and your partner's love depends solely on him. That is why there is no point in fighting for love if it is no longer there with the other person. Because this is about his love and not yours. You cannot influence them. But you can let go in love and even continue to love this person because your love depends only on you.
7) True love is ... always and for everyone
True love is always there and for everyone.
Just like a flower in a field is there and smells good for everyone, especially for those who take time for it.
The egoist tears it out and takes it with him so that he can enjoy it even more and no one else takes it away from him.
What is happening? She wilts.
You can enjoy the existence of this flower, regardless of whether you are near or far from it. And you can feel and give love, regardless of whether the person you love is with you or not. And it doesn't matter if he loves you back or not.
8) True love is ... holistic
If you really love something or someone, then you love the whole package, not just part of it.
But that's not how we understand love in everyday life. What we mean when we say that we love something or someone is that we love them in a certain way.
I love my partner because ...
- he makes me laugh.
- he understands me.
- I can trust him.
Do you still love this person when he ...
- makes you cry?
- totally wrong?
No? Then this is not true love. Point.
"But how can I love someone who cheats on me?"
Again, true love is unconditional.
This does not mean that you should give your partner a free ticket, and it also does not mean that you have to forgive him for every misstep out of love. It doesn't even mean that you shouldn't end the relationship if these parameters change, because it may very well be a point you don't want to live with because you can't be happy that way and because self-love always comes first and that Base is.
It just means that your love for that person doesn't depend on all of these factors. It is there or not. And it can be there despite a betrayal and despite the end of a relationship. We remember:
"You love to do it though ..."
But yes, love can also pass away regardless of this ...
9) True love is ... ephemeral
That also sounds uncomfortable at first.
We long for the one, the everlasting love until death and beyond (greetings from the Twilight phenomenon).
But the truth is that true love is ephemeral too. And that's a good thing, because:
I often make the comparison and don't stop at it here either:
- If diamonds were lying around everywhere like ordinary pebbles, they would be worthless.
- If our life were endless, it would be worthless. We would have no motivation to ever do anything and do anything with our life (which is why we need death).
- And if love were endless, we would no longer have any incentive to care about the other or to express our love. He'll love us forever anyway.
This is why so many relationships break up soon after marriage these days. Because this feeling of security - even if it's just an illusion, of course - robs the whole thing.
It is and always has been this way: You want what you cannot have.
And at some point you no longer want what you have.
Therefore, in my opinion, it is only good for any relationship when you realize that your partner can decide every day not to want to continue this relationship. And of course you can do it yourself!
“But that's pretty risky and vaguee to love so. "
No it is not. It is honest, because this risk exists in every relationship anyway, but we mostly try to consciously ignore it and that, as I said, is not beneficial. And that brings us to the next point:
10) True love is ... honest
It has nothing to do with tactics and strategies.
True love doesn't need any of that because it doesn't need to get anything. It's just given and that's enough.
True love is not calculating, because true love has nothing to do with the head:
11) True love is ... not a choice
It is intuitive, from the gut or the heart.
Either it is there or it is not.
You cannot conjure it up and you cannot use arguments to suppress it. And you can't hold onto her.
The only thing you can do is let them.
Therefore, there is no point in brooding over relationship issues and trying to make a rational decision.
We are using an instrument that has absolutely nothing to do with this process.
Therefore, in truth, there is no answer to the question of why you love someone. Yes, you can again answer with characteristics that you love about him (see point 8), for example ...
- his good looks,
- his sense of humor
- his caring.
But all of these are qualities that other people have that you don't love. So they have absolutely nothing to do with your love.
True love cannot be justified. And this is nothing more than further proof that true love is unconditional, because as soon as you could formulate reasons for it, these would also be conditions for your love.
12) Bonus: True love is ... in the here and now
Sounds obvious at first.
Where else would love be if not here and now?
The answer, of course, is in the past and future.
And that's exactly where we are on the road a lot more often than really in the here and now. Yes, also when it comes to love.
When it comes to love, we often think back to a past or missed love. This is not love, this is nostalgia, longing or sadness.
Sometimes we also think of a possible future love or even of the great love and whether and when we will finally experience it. Or whether and how our relationship will look in the future. Will it be worth it? That too is not love, these are hopes and fears.
If I love my partner right now and it doesn't matter whether he will leave me in 5 years or whether I felt this way about another person 5 months ago.
True love is not an investment. It's not about loving as future-proof or constant as possible. It's about experiencing love. And that is only possible in the present.
What is love?
We usually confuse love with emotional addiction.
This is exactly the opposite of love, because the other is only a means to make us feel better.
We almost all have this wrong understanding of love because it is drummed into us as a romantic ideal and the phenomenon of being in love exacerbates this impression. But that has nothing to do with true love:
True love is ...
- no convention
- Set free
- not jealous
- a bonus
- only in you
- always there for everyone
- no decision
- always in the here and now
Basically, all of these points describe one and the same thing: the fact that true love means letting go.
P.S .: Now you know what I mean by true love. I've heard many times that it's a bit radical and that many don't see it that way. So I'm really interested in what you think of it? What do you mean by love? I'm really looking forward to your answer in the comments!
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