Relationship counseling 7

Relationship counseling: 7 reasons for a crisis

The communication gets stuck, the in-laws get involved in everything, sex is increasingly paralyzing and you and your partner are arguing more and more about money? It is because of these four obvious conflicts that most couples seek out a couples therapist. Nevertheless, these are just the most obvious, but by no means the causal reasons. We'll tell you the seven most overlooked trouble spots that couples actually, albeit unconsciously, lead into relationship counseling.

Several relationship counselors and couple therapists gave the Huffington Post an insight into their work and highlighted what turns out to be the real problem for most couples in relationship counseling behind the superficial crises. We'll tell you what problems these are and how you deal with them.

  1. The partners are too dependent on each other. It is impossible to grant each other's wishes. The partner cannot be a sounding board, lover, best friend, personal accountant, and everything in between at the same time. Because playing too many roles tires the relationship, puts a strain on the player and in the long run kills any sexual desire for one another. It is therefore important to reduce this dependency, to build a certain distance and also to concentrate on your life outside the relationship, i.e. to pursue your own hobbies and interests.
  2. The partners do not understand what a common household means. Housework cannot be thrown out alone. Many couples struggle persistently to balance careers and personal lives. But few realize the emotional burdens behind housework. In many partnerships, most of the housework still depends on the woman. Couples who have problems with a fair distribution should, according to couple therapists, develop a "We're in here together" mentality. A recently published study has also found that a fairly distributed housework leads to more sex in a partnership.
  3. Many couples underestimate the need for personal space. While continuous closeness may feel great and exhilarating in the early days of a relationship, it is very likely that those positive feelings will eventually give way to a more negative feeling of suffocation. According to couples therapists, many people get lost in their relationship. Every relationship needs a little "me-time" from both partners. Just because you are in love you shouldn't give up your hobbies or take care of yourself. Because such things are especially important to maintain a healthy relationship. Couples should learn to maintain the balance of interdependence - together but also separately. For example, more and more couples have discovered the concept of the Living Apart Together for themselves.

  4. The partners do not love themselves enough: those who do not love themselves cannot really love anyone else either. A lack of self-love and low self-esteem have a negative impact on all aspects of the relationship. Deep-seated shame can even cause people to flirt or become totally dependent, it can also turn people into limitless control freaks. A shame-ridden person can therefore not have a healthy relationship, as many couples therapists agree. In fact, shame is identified by many as the number one reason for divorce. Healthy, solid relationships thrive on the fact that especially the best, the positive sides, come on the table and are valued.
  5. The partners behave vengefully in an argument and rarely apologize. In the heat of the moment, partners often deal vigorously, even below the belt. But they rarely apologize for their outbursts of anger. According to psychologists, we all have a dark side in us. However, we have to become aware of them and acknowledge them in order to be able to control them. You should also always apologize sincerely for verbal blows, according to the relationship counseling experts.

  6. The partners assume they know everything about each other. But to keep love glowing, it also takes a bit of mystery. So if you think you have seen through your partner completely, you are taking the chance to discover new things, including very lovable qualities. Especially after a long relationship, you “lose sight of each other” because you think you know everything about the other person. You forget that your partner is still “a whole world of your own thoughts, feelings and experiences. Desire and excitement thrive in the unknown, to continue to discover the otherness of the partner will deepen the connection ”.
  7. The partners lock themselves off from the feelings and thoughts of their counterpart. However, there is little room for mutual growth if a partner overreacts and does not want to listen to their partner's feedback. Instead of blaming the messenger and suppressing real feelings, it is important to allay your fears and face yourself.

The three misunderstandings in the relationship

Because of these seven often unnoticed problems, long-term relationships in particular rarely feel really happy. With the right attitude and maybe even relationship counseling, however, it is easy to discover and maintain new happiness and raise the partnership to a whole new level.

Image source: iStock / dobok